CornDog Wears French Fry Outfit to CLUE Session, Hilarity Ensues
At the University of Washington there is something called CLUE. CLUE is “The Center for Learning and Undergraduate Enrichment,” also know as “the biggest stretch ever to create an educational-sounding acronym.”
What CLUE really is, is an evening review session held twice a week for students to attend and gain a more in depth understanding of where their parent’s tuition money is going. It is also a wonderful venue at which to get drunk and do stupid shit in front of large numbers of unassuming strangers, which happens to be one of CornDog’s all-time favorite activities.
CornDog, DullBlade and ButtChin get thoroughly sloshed and head out to the evening’s CLUE session for Oceanography, which, in case you were wondering, can be rearranged to spell “Gay Nacho Rope.”
Before they leave, CornDog says a line that, if said anywhere else in the world, would probably elicit this response:
CornDog: “JJ, I need your McDonald’s French Fry Outfit.”
JJ: “Bwah?”
However…
Before they leave, at CornDog’s fraternity:
CornDog: “JJ, I need your McDonald’s French Fry Outfit.”
JJ: “Top of the closet; I need it for tomorrow though, so have it back by morning.”
On the way to Kane Hall where the CLUE session is being held:
• 3 gigantic football players start singing McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it” song and dancing. CornDog dances with them.
• Attractive girl asks if she can have a fry. CornDog asks if he can grab her boob. She obliges.
• Highly esteemed University of Washington Professor David Domke walks by. CornDog ask him if he is teaching COM 201 again because he really enjoyed it last quarter. Professor Domke says no, but goes on to explain his views on objective journalism. He does this with a straight face.
The trio arrives at Kane Hall and is forced to sit in the 3rd row from the front, because they are late. Very late, as it turns out, because just as they sit down the professor asks if there are any final questions. CornDog raises his hand. Professor does not call on him.
CornDog is frustrated by this and is about to ask his question out loud when suddenly, from the corner of his eye, he sees a glorious sight: a guy, obviously drunk, wearing a milkshake costume (from Comedy Central’s Aqua Teen Hunger Force cartoon).
MilkShake is sitting two rows in front of CornDog.
CornDog knows what must be done.
There can only be one Fast Food Product.
Class ends. 200 people begin gathering their things. Milkshake stands up. CornDog pushes his way to the aisle and races towards him.
It is at this point that CornDog realizes he is much drunker than he intended to be. He is stumbling down the isle, crashing in to the wall and balancing himself on the shoulders of confused students.
Milkshake is directly in front of him.
CornDog is grinning so large it hurts.
CornDog stumbles and trips down the 2nd to last step, but instead of falling to the ground, he tackles Milkshake down the remaining step and on to the main floor. CornDog is now lying like a beached whale on Milkshake’s back.
Naturally, CornDog starts tickling him.
CornDog and MilkShake are rolling around in front of the CLUE session, two giant dollar menu products tickling each other and laughing boisterously. A few people stop gathering their things to watch, but generally they went unnoticed. Thus is life at a college with a 3,000 person Greek system.
The class slowly files out; CornDog and MilkShake are lying on their backs in front of the classroom, too exhausted to continue. The professor hasn’t even turned his gaze towards them. Professor clears his throat.
“Next week,” he begins, “there will be no French Fries or milkshakes.”
Class is dismissed. As CornDog is leaving he shouts “What about cheeseburgers?” Professor does not acknowledge him.
CornDog arrives home an hour later, returns JJ’s outfit, retires to his room and opens his email. In his inbox is an email from the professor sent only to him. It reads:
“Cheeseburgers are fine.”
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
Pictures
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.