Cold Beer for the Soul
So Inspiring, You’ll Shit Yourself
Yes, this section is a play on the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, but instead of providing inspirational tales of life and love, it has stories about almost killing hookers with flaming washing machines and, occasionally, peeing on police officers.
I am obligated by law to inform you that you are about to embark upon a life-changing journey that’s purpose will be significantly improved by the consumption of alcohol. So, if possible, grab a twelve-pack. This way, when you read about gigantic French Fries tackling milkshakes in front of college lecture halls, you will understand the mindset and share in the raucous laughter had by the story’s characters moments before they passed out.
Common questions about Cold Beer for the Soul:
Question: Are these stories true?
Answer: Yes.
Question: 100%?
Answer: No.
Question: Slightly altered at certain points to save their participant’s careers, relationships and general credibility as humans?
Answer: Yes, although most stories were told to me by others, so if they were exaggerating then, well, too bad. I’m just a story teller. Leave me alone.
Question: Where did you get these stories?
Answer: Friends, family, coworkers, random drunkards at the bar, people I overhear talking at the gym, the checkout line at Safeway…etc. Basically, don’t email me asking who someone is, because often I seriously don’t know, and wouldn’t tell you if I did. Like I said, I’m just a story teller.
Question: Will you tell me anyone’s real name so I can facebook-stalk them?
Answer: No, and don’t try to match up the fake names I give people because I often use the same ones for different people. This is because if I only used “TheOrangutan” for stories that he was in, it’d be confusing because his personality is about as consistent as a coked-out alcoholic with MPD. He really does look like an orangutan though.
Question: Are you actually the main character in some of the stories?
Answer: Yes, but in hope of maintaining a legitimate career outside of chronicling drunken adventures, I have taken on several awesomely vague pseudonyms.
Question: Are these eventually going to be compiled, along with others, into an enormous book series?
Answer: We can only hope.
Question: If I email you a story about my friends and I, will you write it and post it on your website?
Answer: Maybe, although you’ll need to give me lots of details and not expect anything in return except being able to tell your friends “That was totally me, bro!”
Question: Has anyone actually seen a bear’s nipples?
Answer: Sometimes you’ve just got to have faith.
Ultimately, Cold Beer for the Soul is a product of love. A synthetic concoction of understanding and hope. A universal commodity for all of humanity to embrace as one and bask in the light that is emanating from the policeman’s flashlight and illuminating your genitals.
But Cold Beer for the Soul is so much more than just a disquisition of immortal youth and resistance of societal pressures to grow up and act responsible. It’s also a vast collection of repetitive jokes about nipples and KeyStone Light.
I know that when you read these stories you will have questions about how I did it; about how I was able to put these rapturous experiences into words and bring you such righteous revelations, but trust me: if your soul loves cold beer the way my soul loves cold beer, you will come to know the three-step process I used and maybe, some day, you too can be saved from a gun-toting farmer by a drunken cripple in a wheel chair:
Step 1). Teach reader infinitely important life lesson via usage of clever metaphors and universally relatable examples.
Step 2). Fail miserably at teaching aforementioned infinitely important life lesson.
Step 3). Resort to boob jokes.
Enjoy.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
Pictures
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.