Duct Tape Adventures
“Nooo!”
“Catch him!”
TheBanana threw himself towards the speeding chair, but landed a foot behind its quickly-spinning wheels. Blender threw aside his beer and flew along the hallway. His feet left the ground. He dove. Missed by inches.
It was down to Eggplant.
With his heart racing at unhealthy speeds Eggplant pumped his arms towards the human-sized ball of stair-bound tape. DullBlade’s floppy locks of blonde hair were barely visible under the duct-tape cocoon encasing his body. He was one with the chair.
Twelve stairs lay ahead. An unconscious idiot’s fate was in Eggplant’s hands, which were currently duct-taped to 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor.
He reached for the silver bullet…
It was Eggplant’s fraternity’s annual trip to Seaside, which basically consisted of driving 3 hours to the beach and then drinking inside the hotel because it’s way too fucking cold outside.
Come 4am, all but 8 of them were passed out. Who’s the most passed out? DullBlade. What is DullBlade doing? Sleeping in a chair. What did they all do to get so drunk? Play Edward 40 hands. What does Edward 40 hands require?
Fuck loads of duct tape.
Fortunately for the pranksters many people were already too drunk to play Edward 40 hands, so they ended up with 4 extra rolls of duct tape.
Thus begins the cocooning of DullBlade.
After DullBlade was thoroughly cocooned, Blueberry, in his most unintentionally great moment, tripped and ran into him. What did DullBlade’s chair do? It rolled. It fucking rolled.
Thus begins the riding of DullBlade
Up and down the hallways they went with brooms as swords and empty beer boxes as shields. DullBlade’s unconscious body and tape-covered chair was the Silver Stallion; Eggplant assumed the clever title of Conscious Not Duct-Taped Guy (after 13 hours of drinking it was the best they could come up with).
They got as many as 3 guys riding the DullBlade Mobile at once, and only 6 times did they tip over, crushing DullBlade’s unconscious body beneath them. They played soccer with him. They played Bocee Ball with him. They played “fuck with his facial features to make him look like various barnyard animals.” TheWalnut even played “put funny dick-like objects on his mouth,” a classic game bound for Olympic glory.
DullBlade provided them with more laughs while unconscious than he ever had before, which is saying a lot considering how often DullBlade passes out.
Until…
“My turn!” Blender shouted while Eggplant was playing catch, one of his favorite childhood games. It wasn’t that Blender didn’t like catch, but he suddenly had an intense desire to play one of his favorite childhood games: manslaughter.
He grabbed the chair, got a solid running start, and tripped. DullBlade went flying past everyone and directly at what Eggplant had previously named “The biggest set of stairs outside a European Cathedral.”
“No!”
“Catch him!”
TheBanana threw his body towards the flying chair, his hands landing in vain on the floor just feet behind its speeding wheels. Blender tossed his beer and dashed along the hallway quicker than Eggplant ever seen him dash, especially when hammered. He left the ground. Missed by inches.
There was no one else within range.
It was down to Eggplant.
His heart pumped within beats of ventricular tachycardia as he flew towards the shimmering silver chair. DullBlade’s golden hair was barely visible under the cocoon of duct-tape encasing his body. He was fused to the chair.
An unconscious idiot’s fate lay in Eggplant’s hands, which were currently duct-taped to 40s of malt liquor.
He reached for the chair…clank.
Eggplant’s glass-covered hands jabbed the back of the chair making DullBlade spin violently as he sped within feet of the stairs. Not only had Eggplant not saved the day, but he also managed to erase any chance DullBlade had of stopping before the stairs. A true hero by any standards.
The previously happy and prankful crowd was silent. No one could save DullBlade as he glided to his doom. Some held their breath, some screamed. Everyone’s eyes were glued to the same horrific image, no matter how blurry that image had become.
He reached the stairs.
He tipped forward.
He stopped.
DullBlade hung at a 45-degree angle as if looking down the stairs, his right side stuck to the railing halting him in his tracks. The duct tape was so strong that the sections facing outward stuck him to the railing literally inches away from being, at the very least, paralyzed for life.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.