Fat Guys Fight at Bar
What is it about fat people that makes everything they do so funny? There’s a youtube video of a fat chick face-planting on a moped that’s gotten over a million hits. If she was hot? Heart breaking. Viewers would be looking for a breast-reconstruction fund to donate money to.
Then there’s the Ultimate Fighting Championship, which is badass because the contenders are ripped and rock the shit out of each other’s lean, muscular bodies. But what if it was a bunch of fat guys? It’d be a comedy: Undisputed Flabby Chubs. Slow-motion replays of wiggling underarms draw raucous laughter. Top contenders stun audiences with never before seen moves like “The Stomach Engulfer.”
Which leads us to last night…
BenchPress and Dumbbell are at a bar in Fremont, playing pool and drinking pitchers, when the crowd suddenly erupts behind them. Two beluga whales have escaped from the aquarium! No, wait, they’re humans! And they’re fat as fuck! And they’re fighting! Way better!
The crowd backs up more than is normally necessary for a two-person bar fight. Short, stubby arms fly through the air like unbaked dough. Fatty McEats-a-lot lands a clenched fist of dick-fingers into the face of Fatty McButters-His-Cheese. Waves of cheek fat ripple throughout his clammy, Gak-like skin.
Fatty McButters-His-Cheese lowers his head and charges, his fat dome sinking deep into the saggy tits of Fatty McEats-a-lot. Skin flaps wildly as the human garbage dumps pathetically duke it out, barely more physically impressive than actual garage dumps.
Their borderline-galactic bodies continue to gyrate around the bar in a miserably un-fierce battle. Fatty McButters-His-Cheese waddles, Fatty McEats-a-lot waddles back. It is the most visually-disgusting display of humanity BenchPress and Dumbbell have ever seen...and it’s awesome!
The bouncers break it up between spurts of laughter. They don’t even bother kicking them out.
The earth finally stops shaking. The bar smells like rancid pork loins. Laughter is not stifled. Fatty McEats-a-lot has liquefied Twinkies dripping down his forehead. Fatty McButters-His-Cheese is digging between folds of skin in search of his penis. He will never succeed.
As they’re leaving, BenchPress and Dumbbell hear this:
Fatty McEats-a-lot’s Buddy: “You would have totally kicked his ass if those bouncers hadn’t broken it up.”
Fatty McEats-a-lot: “Hell yeah, I would have eaten the shit out of him.”
Sure, he may have actually said “beaten” but still – hilarious.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.