Fish Throwing
Date of Birth: 10/28/1986
Date of 21-Run: 10/28/2007
Date Banana Almost Fucked Himself Over: 10/25/07
“Do you work today, Banana?” asked Schnapps.
“Already did, six ‘til two.”
(Long, who’s-gonna-suggest-it-first silence)
“Soooo…tryin’ to get shit-faced?”
“I’ll grab the rum.”
So he did, and within the hour the duo was roaming Pike Place Market, spending the majority of their time trying to convince the fish-throwing people to throw them a fish. Banana and Schnapps would go on to buy their own fish and throw it to each other. They did this between swigs of rum. Or, at least, they would have done it between swigs of rum had Banana not completely missed the fish on the first throw and watched it sail through the air and land, seriously, in front of a cop car.
The blue and red lights were barely visible in the early afternoon sun. Banana would turn 21 in three days and there he was, standing with another 20 year old, illegally intoxicated, each of them holding a backpack loaded with a half-gallon of rum. He was fucked.
“Good afternoon, officer,” said Schnapps, obviously drunk. The officer looked from Banana, to the fish, and back again.
“So what are you guys doin’?”
“Playing catch,” Banana said.
“We’re not very good,” Schnapps added.
“We hope to make it out for Spring training.”
“If you catch a fish you can catch a ball, right?”
The officer had not seen Dodge Ball.
“What’s in the backpacks?”
Banana froze and began blinking rapidly, hoping he had imagined it. Schnapps cleared his throat but remained silent. The longer they waited, the more the officer would suspect something. It was now or never – time for the perfect lie.
“A gallon of rum,” Banana said.
Oops.
Schnapps went pale. Banana could not believe what came out of his mouth.
“You boys 21?”
“Nope,” Banana quickly answered.
Fuck…me.
Schnapps cursed under his breath and looked at the ground. He began rolling his ankles as if getting ready to run. Banana could not figure out why, when in desperate need of a lie, his drunken mind decided to vomit up the truth.
“You know what bus to take home?” The officer asked them.
“71?”
“Take it.”
And he left. The officer stepped over the salmon, got back in his car, and drove away. Banana and Schnapps were left standing on Pike Street, backpacks full of rum, fishless, and desperately confused.
“So, um, that was cool.”
“Yeah, I mean, well, yeah.”
(Long, who’s-gonna-suggest-it-first silence)
“Soooo…tryin’ to throw some more fish?”
“Let’s try the Halibut this time.”
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.