Here for the Gang Bang
It was Halloween, and TheAntelope could not be more excited. Every costume imaginable was there with the word “slutty” in front of it. Nurse? Slutty nurse. Fireman? Slutty fireman. Slut? Slutty slut. Hundreds of people thrilled that they finally had an excuse to dress like a whore and get away with it. Sluts were everywhere.
Including the laundry room.
It’s an unspoken party rule that if you do not live at the house in which the party is being held you may not fornicate in it without prior consent from someone relevant to the area in question. This is why, when randoms were slapping skin in the laundry room, TheAntelope called upon his good friend HorseCock, whose first thought was: “Soooo, should I get naked and say ‘I’m here for the gang bang?’”
TheAntelope’s response: “What else would you do?”
HorseCock stripped down to his bare ass. Everyone at the house stopped partying to watch the spectacle. They could hear faint noises coming from the laundry room. Apparently their special guests hadn’t notice the music stop.
HorseCock opened the door…
“AAhhhh!”
“Naked!”
“Yeah, um, hi – I’m here for the gang bang?”
There was a scurrying of cloth-gathering and hurried bare footsteps.
“Gonna have to touch me if you wanna get past!” said HorseCock, straddling the door’s frame.
The guy ran out first holding boxers over his crotch, grinding past HorseCock as he went. This was greeted by a raucous laughter. The girl was next.
She squeezed past slowly, her chest region having a particularly hard time getting through.
“Does that count as cheating on my girlfriend?” HorseCock asked as she bolted up the stairs.
Funny thing is, the most prominent memory TheAntelope has from that night was directly afterwards when HorseCock was standing there naked in front of fifty people in complete silence. This should-be awkward moment was broken when from upstairs came: “Shit! I forgot my watch!”
HorseCock still has the watch to this day.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.