Garbage Can Demolition
It’s 4:00am, they’re hammered, and since Pan and ScrambledEgg have already exhausted their regular late night fun of trying to remember what they did earlier in the night, they decide to block an alley with trash cans.
The night is quiet and still, probably because it’s a Tuesday; but unlike other people, Pan and ScrambledEgg do not discriminate between which days of the week are meant for belligerent intoxication.
Seeing as though there is absolutely no one around, they take their sweet time organizing six empty garbage cans in a perfect line with two more on top as if flipping off the alley. Satisfied with their soon-to-be-slightly-annoying-to-drivers masterpiece, they start to walk home. But something isn’t right...
They hear a click.
They turn around.
They peer into a dark parking space they had not noticed before.
It’s as if two spot lights erupt in front of them; that is, if lights could indeed erupt, which would be awesome and should totally be part of the next X-Men movie. A Jeep Cherokee has been parked and watching them move the cans the whole time. Spitting gravel, it speeds towards them.
“AAAHHHH!”
“FUUUUCK MEEEEE!”
They book it down the alley. The Jeep apparently does not see the humor in their little prank. The Jeep apparently does not mind if his bumper gets a little bent. The Jeep apparently enjoys creeping in alleyways waiting for drunken college kids to pull pranks and then chasing them home.
Their adrenaline is pumping in overdrive as the Jeep smashes into the Great Wall of Compost…
(EDIT: I once wrote something for an article that went like this: “You are not faster when you sprint while drunk; that’s the car you’re riding on top of, and you should probably duck before the next street light. You are not a better basketball player while drunk: that was a swimming pool and you dunked a gallon of Rossi. You are not a better fighter; that was a fire hydrant, and you lost. You are not a better base ball player; just because no one can hit your pitches doesn’t mean you threw a perfect game.”
I would like to add something to this list: “You are not stronger when you are drunk; you just can’t feel your arms as you carry things, such as the completely-full garbage cans that you thought were empty.”
Wet, compacted trash flies in every direction. ScrambledEgg and Pan start pointlessly ducking and weaving as if the garbage is firing upon them. ScrambledEgg spins. Pan rolls. They start running sideways and backwards to keep an eye on the hailing refuse. Thus is the mindset of the adrenaline-fueled drunk.
They evade the downpour of debris, turn the corner before the Jeep can catch them, and make it home without consequence. They race inside, close the door, and slump down against the wall.
Pan pulls out his phone to take a picture of ScrambledEgg.
“Look,” Pan says, “I know those pictures will be worth thousands someday, but...”
“Pan,” ScrambledEgg interrupts, snapping a picture, “you have a condom on your ear.”
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.