Death by Mortar Shell
Moral of the following story: unless you and a friend want to have a near-death experience in which you majestically fly through the air in slow-motion away from a giant explosion of fire and broken glass, never buy a 12-pack of mortar shells.
“Just set those over there,” Krakatoa said, not knowing it was literally one of the dumbest fucking things he’d ever say. TheOrangutan set the box with the remaining 11 mortar shells next to the fence alongside their basketball hoop’s broken backboard.
“You wanna do the first one?” Krakatoa asked TheOrangutan.
“Sure,” TheOrangutan replied.
They used a Roman Candle dud as a launcher, which is basically a kaleidoscope sitting on end with a plastic Pop Tart as a base. Very stable.
TheOrangutan leaned over with his giant Orangutan-like body and lit the fuse. It was a long fuse. A very long fuse. A fuse so long that between the times he lit the fuse and when the fuse disappeared inside the cannon, the wind had picked up. So much, in fact, that it knocked the cannon over.
“Ummmm…shit?”
Krakatoa and TheOrangutan stood side-by-side, each of them waiting for the other to act. The fuse had disappeared. There was no telling when the mortar shell would go off. Their canon laid on its side pointing at the brick wall to their right. It was ok; just a brick wall.
Then the wind blew.
The canon pointed toward Krakatoa and TheOrangutan.
They gasped.
The wind blew.
The canon pointed towards the other brick wall.
They relaxed.
The wind blew.
The canon pointed at the box of 11 mortar shells.
They shit themselves.
***Stage Note: Begin Epic Slow Motion***
Without a word they turned and ran. Luckily, for the visual effect, they were both wearing unzipped hooded sweat shirts that billowed behind them. The recently-formed University of Washington Violin Squad was practicing their dramatic movie ballads in the yard next door. A gun fight broke out on Brooklyn Avenue, filling the air with faded, almost unearthly screams from afar. Sirens roared in the distance. A suddenly-fierce rain beat at their faces.
With desperation in their hearts they tore towards safety (Note to self: use line in movie synopsis). Their adrenaline pumped at ungodly levels. Blood dripped off the tip of their noses (note to self: make there be a reason for the blood). Each step took over 60 camera frames to shoot. Both Krakatoa’s and TheOrangutan’s hair grew seven inches and blew violently in the wind, which female viewers will see as sexy.
Then Krakatoa heard it. The familiar pop of a spark reaching a destination of well-placed gun-powder and high-powered explosives. It was the last kind of pop anyone wanted to hear and it happened 12 times in a row. What must have looked like the Death Star exploding in Return of the Jedi happened no more than twenty feet behind them (note to self: look up who did special effects for Return of the Jedi).
12 mortar shells burst simultaneously, completely shattering the backboard by which they lay. Glistening shards of destruction polluted the sky. Burning glass rained down as if the Four Horsemen were upon them. There was an overwhelmingly religious overtone about the whole ordeal (note to self: create overwhelmingly religious overtone for this whole ordeal).
For no reason whatsoever they jumped…and damn, did they jump. While epically sailing through the air Krakatoa played a montage of his life, his love, his friendships and his dreams, all the while a cool fuzzy haze surrounded the screen signifying that he was indeed having a “special-moments-of-his-life montage” (note to self: look into having kid from Sixth Sense as little brother lost to tragedy at young age).
They land in the front yard and ambulances race to their immediate need. After many tears are shed and cries of pleading desperation are made, Krakatoa is zapped back to life by those two paddle thingies you always see on Grey’s Anatomy.
TheOrangutan is dead but no one really cares because he was a supporting character anyway. Krakatoa says meaningful words at his funereal.
THE END
No but seriously, they lit this mortar shell, the wind knocked it towards the box holding eleven others, shot the first one directly into the box and set all 12 off at once. Their fraternity’s broken backboard happened to be leaning on the fence and shattered in the ensuing explosion. Krakatoa’s friend really does look like an orangutan.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
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Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.