Operation Avalanche
Certain activities are fun when you are young, lose their entertainment value during adolescence, and then come streaming back to the forefront of merriment right around the time you start getting so drunk you piss yourself. One such activity is the infamously stereotypical “Teepeeing.”
Everyone has their own tale of “The biggest TP ever bro! Over 100 rolls! It was like a fucking blizzard!” but it is no where near the size of a TP job that went down in my neighborhood. I am serious. The biggest ever. No joke. Seriously, no fucking joke. It was fucking huge! They used 8 duffel bags! Those ones Spencer’s dad got for buying all the little league cookies! Fuck you guys!
There was a new neighborhood going up a block away from the house of one of my good friends Sammy, who, for purposes of anonymity, will be referred to as Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge. It was senior year in high school.
8 of my friends creepily waited inside one of the new house’s frames with 8 duffle bags and 6 back packs stuffed with, and this is after counting several times to assure their level of badassness, 285 rolls of toilet paper. Mount St. Helens could have diarrhea and they’d still have her covered.
2 hours and many beers later, it was go time. Swinging on tree branches and diving over bushes they went, running weave patterns and swapping duffle bags every few steps in case an enemy satellite was tracking their weapons. They used ridiculous code names and waved wild hand signals to indicate that they were, in fact, stupid and drunk.
They were so over-the-top stealth and decked out in camouflage that they caused more alarm than if they had just walked down the road casually. They know this because the house across the street got suspicious when they saw them and called Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge, who happened to be house-sitting down the road.
The Drunken Teepeers arrived:
Mission Name: Operation Avalanche
Destination: Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge’s house
Projected Damage Assessment: Total
Tit Size: DD, perky
The teepeeing began, and holy bananas it was spectacular. They were a fucking TP Swat team. They were invincible. Every inch of every roll was being wonderfully strewn about her property from the trees to the roof to the spindles on the rocking chair on the front porch.
Their mission was nearly accomplished when someone else joined them. Someone with a beautiful, voluptuous, juicy pair of cerebral hemispheres.
Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge: “Hi boys.”
Bender: “Shut up Cameron.”
Cameron: “Fuck you.”
Cameron has a high voice.
Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge: “Having fun, are we?”
Bender: “Shut up Cameron.”
Cameron: “Seriously, fuck you.”
In their adrenaline and alcohol-fueled haze they didn’t notice her until they were completely done, walked out to the street to take a look at their masterpiece, and saw someone still standing in the yard.
Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge: “Nice work, gentlemen.”
Bender: “Cameron, come join us.”
Cameron: “OH MY GOD FUCK YOU!”
Ohmygodthosetitsarehuge: “You guys are retards.”
She thought it was funny, but did ask them to clean it up before her parent’s found out because then she’d have to do it all herself. At least that’s what Cameron told them a few hours later when he found Bender and the others, who had fled when they heard “clean up,” playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater in Bender’s living room.
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Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
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Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.