A Slight Mix-Up
After his freshman year in high school, Sophomore and his family went to Europe. Sophomore had just broken up with his first girlfriend and his typically over-emotional Dashboard Confessional-loving self was still clinging to the small hope that they may get back together. But, because he also had to satisfy his boob craving, he started dating another girl to hold him over until his true love came back to him.
To conceal the identities of the two girls who probably don’t even remember who he is, I will call them Divine Princess (1st GF) and Holdover (2nd GF).
Because many of the pathetic semi-emo love ballads Sophomore was into at that time spoke of letters from distant lovers smelling of perfume and other meaningless bullshit, he decided to write letters to both Divine Princess and Holdover.
He spent hours writing them as his family toured around London, each one almost 5 hand-written pages long. The one to Divine Princess was funny, clever, made sly references to the good times they had shared during our 2 year make-out fest, and most importantly, ragged on Holdover and how dull she was, especially compared to her Divineness. The letter to Holdover was boring, repetitive, and written in gigantic letters so it’d seem like he wrote more.
When they arrived home Sophomore was excited to hear from Divine Princess’s friends about how she got his letter and read it over and over again every night and clung to it as she slept and, quite possibly, used it to pleasure herself.
He got home and immediately called Divine Secretary, Divine Princess’s best friend.
DS: “Hello?”
S: “Whatdidshesay!?”
DS: “Huh?”
S: “WhatdidDivinePrincesssayaboutmyletter!?”
DS: “Um…you might wanna call her.”
S: “Whywhywhywhywhy?”
DS: “Because you sent her the wrong one.”
S: “……………………fuck.”
He called Holdover first to confirm.
S: “Get anything from me in the mail last week?”
Holdover: “Yup.”
S: “The letter I sent to you?”
Holdover: “Nope.”
S: “The letter I meant to send to Divine Princess?”
Holdover: “Yup.”
S: “Did you…read the whole thing?”
Holdover: “Yup.”
(Long, uncomfortable pause)
S: “We probably shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Holdover: “Nope.”
Postlude:
Holdover and her many unfortunately attractive friends would go on to hate Sophomore for the rest of their high school career. He and Divine Princess got back together, but then rap got popular and Sophomore got brainwashed into desiring blowjobs over true happiness. It was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Divine Princess, Holdover, and his 3rd girlfriend, CountryGirl, would all go on to get married before the age of 22. Sophomore would go on to use this fact as proof that he is indeed not a douche bag but instead is the first step toward lifelong happiness. He can be reached at sophomore.alexbash@gmail.com
He has never sent a letter to the wrong address since.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.