The Water Balloon Adventures
The following story has a purpose so profound it could dramatically alter the course of mankind. How, you ask? Listen to this gem: in the future, international disputes will be solved with water balloons……gigantic, nuke-carrying water balloons…
(Some communist military base)
“Sir, there’s a large object heading straight for us,” said the computer guy who’s always in movies monitoring the same green bleeping circle that’s been around for thirty years.
“What is it?” asked the old, white, senile war general who apparently cannot interpret the green bleeping circle even though it’s about as complex as a fork.
“It looks like a giant water balloon…what should we do?”“Ha! Those silly Americans; always playing games with us.”
BOOM!!!
(Cut to cliché scene of NASA computer room with every one throwing miscellaneous papers in the air and cheering)
“Here it comes, here it comes!” whispered WineKey. “Ok, ok…one…two…three!” Four balloons left the nest, four balloons made it home.
Plop, plop, plop…plop.
The car screeched to a halt. Sprout, Eccentric, Zoey and WineKey peered out from behind their hiding place, giggling with intoxicated delight. The driver’s door opened. Two heavy feet hit the pavement. One shaved head glistened in the street lights. The wind fell silent. The night stood still. There, standing epically in the reflection of his headlights, was Vin Diesel.
Kidding.
Sprout could see the silhouette but couldn’t make it out through his drunken, blood-shot eyes. Then, out of Eccentric’s mouth came one of the oddest fucking lines he had ever heard…
“Asian with a crow bar!”
Wiping aside tears of laughter, Sprout squinted to see their supposed assailant. Sure enough, standing next to his open door, was a five foot nothing Asian holding a crow bar shouting profane gibberish. They didn’t bother hiding anymore. A mentally defective wombat with muscular dystrophy could have taken him out. But then…
“Drop the Weapon!”
The cop car flashed its lights. In what looked like a poorly executed dance move the Angry Asian dropped the crow bar and held up his hands. The cops moved quickly (one seriously had a Billy Club) and got hold of the Angry Asian’s hands as he rambled out a ridiculous-sounding explanation.
Allow me to textually paint a picture of what the water-ballooners were feeling: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
However, the Angry Asian’s absurd-but-true explanation of what happened fit quite well with the raucous laughter coming from the museum sign the water-ballooners were hiding behind.
“Two cops and a Billy Club; I’m outta here.” And Eccentric was gone.
As if in slow motion the cops turned their gaze toward Sprout. The Angry Asian seized his chance, grabbed the crowbar, clocked the cops and sped off. They stared in horror.
Kidding.
Sprout, WineKey and Zoey followed Eccentric’s lead and disappeared into the darkness. The path forked: Zoey and WineKey ran left, Eccentric dived into the foliaged middle, and Sprout took to the right. Ungrammatically, the right way turned out to be the wrong way. Sprout drunkenly weaved along the path until he somehow circled back around and popped out right behind the officers.
“Shit!”
He collapsed to the ground and began frantically army-crawling to a large tree. He backed-up against it. This would be a perfect time for that cliché movie scene where the camera follows Sprout’s eyes as he peers cautiously around the trunk, and then just when it seems like he’s safe…
Bleep!
Text message.
Sprout grimaced at his luck. He froze and listened for approaching footsteps. They were coming. Sprout inched his way around the tree to always be on the opposite side of the officers, but he had seen enough movies to know the only way he’d get off the hook was if Matt Damon busted in and karate-chopped his way to freedom.
Bleep!
No fucking way did that just happen. Another loud fucking text message. He was done for. Doomed by technology. Damned by text messaging. The cops’ footsteps stopped. Sprout peeped his head around the tree and was shot in the face at point blank range.
Kidding.
He did the only thing he could – he sent a random text message that only made sense to him and his friends.
“Banshee”.
Moments later came the sound of three deranged chickens shrieking at the top of their deranged chicken lungs. The cops hurried off in the direction of the screams. Sprout was safe, unscathed, and free to laugh as loud as he wanted at what the fuck had just happened.
Thank God for deranged chickens.
Moral: When you are trapped in a moment of severe desperation, a moment so crucial it could forever alter the course of your life, do not pray for deliverance. Simply text “Banshee” to a friend named Eccentric and everything will work out fine.
Go to Alex's Official Site, www.AlexBash.com
Buy The ImBible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget
alexbash1@gmail.com
Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.
Alex Bash is author of The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget, currently available for pre-order on amazon.com. It hits shelves August 5th, and is not responsible for your lowered GPA and standards.
In contrast to his general belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press.
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Pretty Much Daily Quote
"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts...except slurred, deragatory, and covered in Mexican food."
~ Alex Bash, 2008
Blog
Letting Yourself be Overwhelmed
(7/16/08) Sometimes life can be overwhelming, and even all the beer in the world can't help. It's at time like these you need to let yourself be overwhelmed, even if only for a moment, and then fight back against the forces that be.
Also, you should switch to hard liquor, because it gets you drunk faster.
Growing Up
(7/9/08)Sometimes when I look back at my life and the things I’ve done and been in to over the years, I get sad because I know I’ll never possess that level of ignorance. I’ll never be able to be the young and blissful without knowing that at least part of it is an act. The silliness will never be as silly, the goofiness never as goofy, and Saturday morning cartoons will become infinitely less entertaining without the addition of either nudity or cursing.
Then again, I can now legally drink myself into oblivion by my own free will, get a blowjob in the bar’s bathroom stall, and watch the sun rise from the top of a water tower I’m finally strong enough to climb.
Maybe growing up isn’t so bad.
Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.
I really wish I could remember where this was taken.
People have told me this picture encapsulates who I am. Not sure what to think of that.
My editor sent me an extra large digital copy of The Imbible. I brought it to Canada with me...eh.
When in Rome, do as a frat boy does when he has ten minutes to get drunk for a date function.
Undefeated, naturally.
Synopsis
What do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood hand-cuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document…written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think—it all started with The ImBible.
Praise for The Imbible
"The Imbible introduces Bash as a major new talent in the genre of 'books most likely to make you run through campus naked…'" – Officer Hernandez
"A stunning debut by that guy who kept us up 'til 4am with drunken choruses of Wonder Wall..." - The Sorority Next Door
"A moving story about a college freshman eventually finding his pants from last night." - Overpaid Lobbyist
"No, but really, the book is hilarious. He's a seriously funny author." – Guy who is taking this way too seriously
"I have not woken up before noon since Alex wrote this book. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing." – Alex's roommate
Sample Games
Why You Should Buy The Imbible
If you feel bad buying a book about drinking, just cover up the first 5 letters.
The U.S. Marines’ first recruiting station was in a bar. The Marines kill bad people. Are you pro bad people?
Because if you don’t remember how you got the scar, you can make up as manly as story as you like.
18 games of beer pong is a scapegoat for anything.
THE IMBIBLE is guaranteed to lower your standards in 5 chapters or less!
Random Quotes from The Imbible
Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.
Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!
It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.
Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.
Whether you wear pants or not when you do this is on you.
I hope God doesn't count this night against me.
Pre-gaming a career fair.
Sometimes The Imbible and I do the Can-Can at 4am and then wake up in the front lawn clutching three empty bottles of champagne.