Table of Contents

The Classics: These are the ten games most familiar to you alcoholics heavy social drinkers reading this book. Amateurs, feel free to use this section as a resource to learn how to play like the pros. Pros, please consult this section in the event of dispute, and then finish your beers because you’re pros and should know better. In this section we’ll cover rules to the following games:

Beer Pong: Yes, those two ping pong balls and your Bud Light do look suspiciously genital.

Flip Cup: Waking up far from home with no shoes has never been so easy.

High, Low, Red, Black: Screw the odds. Beer can’t do math.

Baseball: Our national pastime just got slammed.

Kings: Guaranteed to provide non-stop drunkenness for the entire family!

Kings II: You know that really crude and generally unacceptable but very funny cousin? Say hello to Kings II.

Spoons : You’ll never look at a bowl of cereal the same.

Three Man: 2 + 1 = see you tomorrow.

Quarters: They’re not just for laundry anymore.

Bull Moose: Prepare to win a bet that you can have sex with yourself.

Card Games: After three hours of playing these games your friends, family, co-workers, and most likely your first born child, will be drunk. Also, drunk people are much easier to cheat…and draw on with sharpies…and convince to do back-flips off the arboretum bridge…and use as a dart board. Thought you should know.

31: Don’t be surprised when you fall off the floor.

Across the Bridge: And under the table.

Asshole: “Commander” and “Chief” just got a whole new meaning.

BeerQuake 10.5: Blackjack’s alcoholic half-brother.

Beer 99: It’s like getting drunk during 8th grade Algebra all over again!

Beeramid: What King Tut really had in mind.

Blow Job: Look! No hands!

Bullies: It’s for your own good. Bitch.

Bullshit: Turns out drinking and lying really are the paths to success.

Card Toss: Guaranteed to lower your standards in five rounds or less!

Chumbawumba: You only feel bad in the morning because last night was so awesome.

Circle of Wonderfulness: go ahead - mask your alcoholism behind playing cards!

Circle of Betterness: Caution: playing this game could lead to an influx in the time-space continuum whereby large gaps of time may seem to disappear.

Circle of Extreme Happy Greatness: A utopia consisting of the arbitrary intersection of cards and beer. Yes, it exists.

Connection: You’ll never feel so close to your Miller Lite.

Cops and Robbers: Drunk policemen chase you slower.

Crazy Eights: Not the game you played with Grandma. Unless your Grandma was a drunk.

Drown the Clown: They’re not nearly as creepy when you mistake them for your dog.

Drunk Pirates: Sail on the Sea of grog into the Sunset of Belligerence.

Drunk Driver: The only thing worse than calling your ex.

Drunker Driver: Colin, give me your keys. No, seriously dude. Seriously.

Fuck the Dealer: Prepare to lose your drinking game virginity.

Fuck your Neighbor: There can’t be any wars if everyone’s too drunk to fight, right?

G.H.R.F.: Drinking on steroids.

Give or Take: Because doing both would get everyone drunk. Wait. Hmmmm…

Go Fish: The fun of childhood with adult beverages.

Golf: Chip shot your way to an empty twelve pack. Each.

Iced Hockey: Better than the real thing, since even if you lose, you still probably have all your teeth.

Indian Poker: Reverse psychology meets reverse tequila shots.

Inside-Out: Like your underwear will be tomorrow morning: Three states over.

Mushroom Cloud: Pioneering a new era of getting ugly people laid.

Queens: Guaranteed to have your keg floated in ninety minutes or less.

Shit Creek: Because remembering the night is overrated.

Sunset: Keep your flamingos handy.

Trapped: With nowhere to go but the bottom of your drink.

War: From zero to shit-faced in ten minutes flat.

Wasted Eights: 100% luck. 100% drunk.

Dice Games: All I can say is, if you decide to play any of these for research, don’t lose at Low Man. Unless you are a fridge, in which case, give me a cold one:

1-2-3: As high as you’ll be able to count after round four.

1 in 300: Odds you’ll remember last night.

7 Ate 9: Hey, she thought he was a beer.

21 Aces: The only royal flush will be in your bathroom.

Beer Die: Raising your chances of running naked through the streets one plunk at a time.

Dice: 36 ways to roll, 36 ways to drink.

Fives: Roll. Add. Drink. Repeat.

Folfv: We can’t pronounce it either.

I got Nothin’: Unless you count an empty fifth. And a gorilla suit.

Low Man: No, really. I can’t believe you played tic-tac-toe on my back while I was passed out.

25-cent Mathematician: Perfect for public school graduates.

Mexico: Dude, all I remember is something about a donkey.

My Call: Ommmmm. You CAN drink yourself into enlightenment!

Risky Business: Karma just got back from happy hour.

Coin Games: Metal meets beer. Hilarity ensues:

Anchorman: To each player a glass, to each anchorman a pitcher.

Assault Quarters: equally as dangerous as its machine gun counterpart.

Bird or Man: Either way, someone’s getting a penis drawn on their beak.

Drunken Moron: Plastered idiot, smashed dimwit, God among Men. It’s all semantics.

Free Throw: The first of two things you’ll be projecting into the garbage can.

Land Mines: Boom! You’re drunk.

Nickels: Just like curling. Everyone loses.

Speed Quarters: Why the aliens won’t ever invade us.

Spinners: No, the world really DID speed up.

Super Quarters: It’s a bird, it’s a plane? Wait—is that a dog?

Rim Job: You can become the Michael Jordan of Quarters except without the money, the fame, the glory, or the gambling debt.

Taps: If a beer falls in the forest, can anyone drink it?

Miscellaneous Games: Where miscellanity meets drunkenicity…ness.

20 Questions: Of course “shit-housed” is a proper noun!

Beer Roulette: The alcohol apocalypse is now.

Boat Races: Not for the light of throat.

Body Parts: The most obvious this-is-gonna-turn-sexual game ever.

Century Club/Golden Anniversary: Sobriety is overrated.

Cricket: The only form of cricket you’ll ever understand.

Drink or Dare: It’s a win-win situation.

DRINK: HORSE for the party animal.

I’ve Never: You’ll never look at anyone the same. Especially Jeff. What a whore…

Out the wazoo: Never let your liver get used to one kind of drinking.

Pillars: Throw, chug, sprint, and laugh: a metaphor for life.

Rugby: No light beer allowed. But helmets are!

The Name Game: Finally you can put your entire knowledge of the 1976 Los Angeles Dodgers roster to use.

Thumper: Yell! Pound! Drink!

Words of the Night: Tricking your English teacher into getting drunk has never been so easy.

Movie Drinking Games: Hollywood’s ten most soon-to-be-disgraced films:

Lord of the Rings: Where Sam and Frodo finally get drunk enough to admit they’re gay.

Lord of the Rings (The Remix): Don’t even try and tell me Sauron’s eye doesn’t look like Satan’s vagina.

Scarface: “Say ‘ello to my little keg!”

Wedding Crashers: You know that rule about 1 hard drink or 2 beers max? Yeah, fuck that.

Beer Fest: Prove you’re not a light-beer-sipping American pussy.

Beer Fest (The Remix): 100% responsible for America’s rise on the list of country’s beer consumption per capita.

American Pie: Think Stifler’s an obnoxious dick? You’ll be acting like him by the time the 3rd act rolls around.

Super Troopers: There are so many funny subtitles I could put here I’m not even going to do one. Seriously.

Old School: increasing the odds that when you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...you’ll join in!

Eurotrip: because who hasn’t wanted to get so drunk they make out with their sister?

Road Trip: lesson gleaned – filming yourself cheating on your girlfriend and sending her the video will be the best thing that ever happens to you. Get on it.

Van Wilder: the hardcopy registration packet for “Staying in School to Party 101.”

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Sometimes The Imbible and I watch the sunrise.

The Imbible Blog

The Imbible comes out tomorrow!

(8/4/08)

The Imbible comes out in one day!

If you don’t know what The Imbible is, please direct your attention to the middle and right columns of this page for a synopsis, sample games, testimonials, TOC and quotes. You can pre-order it right now from Amazon, or buy it wherever books are sold on August 5th. If for whatever reason you are dissatisfied with your purchase, use the book to drink away the pain.

As my acquisition editor told me, “Soon you and Hemmingway swill have two things in common.”

Occasionally, The Imbible runs off into the sunset with two girls .

Quotes from The Imbible

Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.

Can you get a DUI riding a bike around the playground? I think not!

It’s only a matter of time before we’re boning fat chicks and singing-along to American Pie.

Note: Gold Medals do not prevent whiskey dick.

You can practice on your own, but some call this alcoholism.

No, that’s not an over-flowing cup Drunk Steve. It’s the dog, and you can’t drink him.

If you're scared about skeletons in your closet being exposed, don't play this game. If you literally have skeletons in your closet, find a better hiding place.

The more you drink, the more you’ll be able to focus on what really matters, like sex, intercourse, fucking, making love, screwing and fornicating.

Be creative. And if you’re not creative, you obviously haven’t drunk enough yet.

For more quotes, click here.

Undefeated, naturally.

Drinking with my best friends: Imbible, Imbible, Imbible, and Steve.

The Imbible would make a great mother.